Days like these.

Ever had that overwhelming urge just succumb to your humanity and quite simply lash out and say or do the most terrible things... Well woohoo you're not alone. I have plenty of those days and sadly I usually do give in to all those awful thoughts running top speed through my mind. Sometimes I just wanna hurt people as much as they hurt me. Break them as much they have broken me. But then I think, its ok, I'm still here, still breathing and even though I'm hurting, I'm alive sort of. I have not got it made in any respect at all, but I have more than most. So when I actually use my brain and think a bit, lashing out is rather stupid... but as usual hindsight is a perfect science and I realise too late as the damage is already done. Its a vicious cycle really. And I have come to the conclusion that if one needs to lash out, the safest person to lash out at is God, He is the only one that won't take offense or fall off His chair when one feels the need to just be human for a while. Although I have concluded this very thing, I often forget it and I lash out anyway. Probably because the moment that I give into my humanity, I lose all sight of God and for a moment my faith in Him. And when I do remember I get angry at myself and then I get angry at Him and back to being angry at me... Today is just one of those days... so this is me lashing out at no one in particular, just trying to calm the thunder storm inside. I have to find a way to be the person I know God wants me to be... that can only be done through Him, yet even now He seems to be nowhere near me. I know logically that He is near me always even more so on days like this. I just wish there was a switch I could flip to convince the entirety of myself of what I know logically/academically. But there is no switch, no easy fix... such a thing does not exist. My journey is still a long way fromcomplete, I have so much growing to do I so many areas especially in my christian walk... it seems so impossible though... and rightly so, for from my own strength, from my humanity it is impossible. Only through and with Christ is it possible. Some how I just have to cling to that... until I have grown in ways no one would have ever dreamed mecapable of except Christ... so here's to the journey.